Emma: [00:00:00] This week, I'm talking about the mental load that mothers face when blending motherhood and work if you're a bloke listening to this, and I know there are some out there, thank you so much for listening to Tea With The Queen. But if you are a bloke, strap in. It's always a wild ride hearing what is happening with our working mums.
across Australia, across the globe, actually. And I have no doubt, no doubt that you have a working mother in your life in some capacity, whether she be your partner, your sister, your work colleague, or your friend. Please think of them as you're listening to this. One of the hardest parts of the mental load
is often that it is not [00:01:00] shared and that sucks. That sucks for all of us because no one's a mind reader, which we'll get to later. But it means that we don't feel like we can share the burden, which means. We're hard to help, but the reality is that there are so many roles that each of us can play to ease the mental load for those around us.
I heard this quote and it sucks. It says, "We expect women to work like they have no children
and raise children as though they don't work." It sounds ridiculous, but it is a reality that many, many working mothers face, whether they be full time part time, casual, employee, running their own business, regardless.
My intention when I had my littlest was to take 12 months off maternity leave, but at my boss's request, I returned after seven months to lead a special transformational project looking after approximately 20, 000 people. 30 people. And it would be fair [00:02:00] to say that the environment I returned to was quite hostile and that the people I was working with did not want me there.
Oh, there's so many good stories about how not to behave, but that's for another day. As a result of the environment I returned to, I felt like I needed to work harder, harder and harder and outside the contracted hours. I found myself taking work home and on many occasion either starting early or finishing late, taking calls, having work creep into my personal time.
I was an absolute joy to be around. You can imagine the time I was going to be dedicating to my little family and I couldn't keep on top of all the things that needed to be done in all the multiple areas of my life. I was guilty while I was at work because I was away from my family because I was thinking about my work family while I was on the clock.
I was guilty while I was at home because of the pressure to do work at home during my family time. I feel like I was their constant juggling act. Chasing my tail and found it incredibly [00:03:00] difficult to juggle everything. The mental load for women or mothers is huge. The mental load of blending motherhood and work next level.
What does it even mean? What does the mental load look like? It's all the things. That we as women, or mothers, just women, take responsibility for. It's constantly thinking about your family and their needs. It's arranging logistics to make sure all the kids get to school. Daycare, activities.
Ensuring that the shopping list has been written. The shopping has been done. A meal plan arranged. Making sure that the kids immunizations and doctor's appointments are up to date. Keeping on top of everything, that your paid work. That's it. Keeping up to date on everything at home, not dropping the ball, making sure the family has clean clothes to wear, paying the bills, organizing the Christmas presents.
The list goes on. Are you with me? Oh my goodness. This list is constantly in our brain boxes. No wonder we're a bit crazy. We're not crazy. There's just a lot on and it gets [00:04:00] continually added to even when we're already at capacity. Don't get me wrong. I love the work I do, especially now. And I love motherhood more than anything.
And I understand that there will always be a little bit of a juggle from time to time, but my goodness, the mental load can be so draining. Is anyone listening to this thinking, yes, or are you just thinking, no, she's a bit cray cray. Many. I'm quick to point out that the majority of partners do their fair share of household chores.
And yes, that is true, especially true in my house. My husband does all the cooking and all the cleaning, right? But household chores and the mental load are two very different things. For whatever reason, be it gender stereotyped, roles, be it different genetic makeup, nature versus nurture, men don't seem to take on the mental load to the same extent.
a result of that, women often feel the task of carrying the mental load forth with them. Some of the things that that does to our brains [00:05:00] is brain frog. Brain fog, not brain frog. You can have a brain frog too. Trouble sleeping. Anxious thoughts or a bit of anxiety. a short fuse, so not very patient, family drama, not being present when you're meant to be present and a lack of motivation.
There is a lot of talk around at the moment about burnout and especially for high achieving women, this is very common. Although burnout is a buzzword, it's a very real experience for a vast amount of entrepreneurs and not just entrepreneurs, employees as well. Can you hear my dog? He's being naughty.
everyone is likely to succumb to it at some stage in their lives if they're not aware of the things that get them there in the first place. Yeah. How to resolve all of this? What do we need to do to help with the mental load? I would love to hear from you. What have you already tried? What works? Do you have a little 15 year old dog like me who loves [00:06:00] his mum so much that when he's not with her, he barks?
What do we do to alleviate the mental load for working mothers?
What do we do? Well, I've got a couple of tips. Of course I have a couple of tips. Are you ready? First of all, we need to set some boundaries. All boundaries. Technology has meant that people are switched on and available. almost 24 seven. In generations before us, once you left your workplace, you were finished for the day and you're able to switch off and focus on your family and not focus on your work, right?
Now with smartphones and email, the ability to switch off is almost impossible. And instead of leaving your workplace, you are often taking a portion of work home with you. The result In your focus being taken away from your home life. And so it's really important to set some boundaries to ensure that work isn't taking over from your personal life.
Even for me, I freaking love my job. I get to call this a [00:07:00] job, but I have to set some decent boundaries or I get in trouble and I give the dregs to my family for sure. Having difficult conversations. This one can be super, super tricky, but it's so important to have difficult conversations with people, particularly around boundaries.
And unfortunately there's still an expectation from organizations that working mums work like they have no children. I've heard of women who work, return to work part time, contracted for three days per week, but then they find themselves doing the extra two days anyway. And the person who gets the call from the school.
I don't know why my husband is the first contact. I always get that right. Society's got a lot, a lot to answer for. I think the third thing is about managing your own expectations. No doubt that you have expectations of yourself that are quite high and you need to manage these expectations and cut yourself some slack.
Oh my goodness. We are so rough on ourselves. We would not talk to our best friend in the way we talk to ourselves, would [00:08:00] we? And if you do, probably need a new best friend. Just saying. You are only capable of so much. And that's okay. Not everything has to be perfect.
Nothing has to be perfect in my world. Done is better than perfect. We've all heard it. And it's okay if you haven't had the chance to do the grocery shopping, and the kids are having toast and tinned spaghetti for dinner. It's not like you didn't feed them at all. I'm being serious. In all seriousness, chances are they ate it with no fuss and enjoyed it more than a meal you could have put hours of effort into.
They wouldn't eat. The other one is about building a tribe. The role of a mother can be so isolating in itself and the role of a working mom, even more so. It's almost like you don't fit into the mom circle or the work circle. You're stuck in between the two. Reach out and build your tribe. Connect with other working moms.
Connect with your colleagues. Connect with moms in your area. Reach out to your friends with family. It takes a village, so make sure you are building yours.
Ask for help and take offers of help. [00:09:00] Asking for help can be so difficult for some people, don't you think? For some reason, people, women especially, fear the judgement from society and unfortunately, from other women as well, if it seems that they're not coping. The fear of judgement needs to stop.
Everyone is doing the best they can. If you need help, ask for it. And if someone is kind enough to offer you help, is actually going to be helpful. Don't be afraid to take it. A small note on this one. When you take someone's help, they will not do it exactly the way you want it. Not in the same way at all.
Be okay with that, and be happy with the help. Otherwise they won't offer to help you again. Don't expect that people can read minds. Earlier in this podcast episode, I talked about reading minds. This one is super tricky. Just because you have a mental load doesn't necessarily mean that your partner does.
They may not know that you are so burdened by the mental load as it's not something that's visible unless you've reached breaking point. So you need to communicate [00:10:00] with them. Otherwise they just do not know. Outsource where you can. I know you want to, but simply don't. cannot do everything or be everything to everyone.
If you have the capacity to outsource, do so. There's so many ways to do that. There are so many new businesses that offer some of these amazing services as well, and almost anything you can think of can be outsourced. Get a cleaner, get someone to do the groceries, get someone to do some pickups. One of the decisions I made very early on in my business was to get some help with my wardrobe.
You wouldn't think so. Look at me. Can't even do up my shirt properly. Uh, but I would wake up every morning and go, what am I wearing? It just added to my mental load. And so I, spoke to and enlisted the help of one Nicole Vine, personal stylist who made this process super easy for me and the best bit, I've got a look book so I can just look at it every day and go, what am I going to wear?
It's [00:11:00] all styled, ready to go. That small thing has changed my life. Thank you, Nicole Vine. You're amazing. And my final one is be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can. I'm on a roll now. Also extend this kindness to other working mothers. Do not judge. You know yourself how tough, tough this kid can be.
So no doubt it's tough for many others.
Go and have the conversations you need to have. Go and put the boundaries in place that you need to do. Make sure you have some beautiful, kind, compassion for yourself. To all my fellow working mums, or women, just women in general, you do not have to be a mum, you could be a dog mum for all I care. Women, I see you, and I hear you, and I am you.
Men, those men, those amazing men that listen to Tea with the Queen and let me know that they listen to Tea with the Queen, please check in with the women in your lives. Ask them how they're going. [00:12:00] Start up a conversation today. I was listening to Tea with the Queen and Emma talked about mental load.
Do you have one? Ha ha! Chi ching! Can of worms opened right there. Let me know how you go with this one. This one's a tough one, but I know that this is a big deal for women. I look forward to seeing you next week on Tea with the Queen. Bye.
