Tea with the Queen

Why I Make My Clients Cry

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There’s a trait in me that I don’t particularly love.

I make people cry.

I don’t mean to. I’m not mean (although I can be very direct). But after years of coaching women in business, I’ve noticed something that keeps showing up in the room with us.

Tissues.

I was reminded of it recently in three separate small group coaching sessions. There were tears, and afterwards I found myself thinking, “Emma, you’re still making people cry.” Except I’m not sure I actually am.

I think what I do is get to the heart of an issue quickly, and when you finally get to the thing you’ve been avoiding, there are often tears waiting for you there.

And honestly, I don’t mind the tears.

I don’t mind the tissues. I keep them in my pockets. I don’t mind a rant. I don’t mind someone saying, “This is completely terrible, and I’m really angry about it.” Sometimes we need to say those things out loud.

Because business brings up an extraordinary amount of emotion. Money, identity, confidence, rejection, responsibility, fear, ambition, disappointment, exhaustion and hope.

We pretend business is about spreadsheets and strategies. Sure, it is. But it’s also about being a human, and humans cry. I’ve cried plenty of tears myself, and I nearly always feel better after a good cry. Sometimes you just need to let the energy out.

The tears aren’t the problem. What matters is what happens next.

Don’t Build A House There

Here’s the line I come back to again and again.

Cry, rant, be angry, be disappointed, admit that you hate what’s happening, but don’t build a house there. There’s a difference between allowing yourself to feel something and deciding to live there.

And I want to be really clear, this isn’t toxic positivity. This isn’t someone pretending difficult isn’t difficult. It’s agency. It’s recognising that even when you can’t control everything happening around you, there is usually something you can choose to do next.

That “next” might be having a conversation. Making a decision. Putting a boundary in place. Making an ask. Doing a task. Ending or beginning something. You feel it, you name it and you let it move through you.

Why The Tears Show Up

Sometimes the breakdown comes before the breakthrough.

A breakthrough often requires you to acknowledge something you’ve been avoiding,that isn’t working, that’s exhausting you. Something you already know you need to do, but you haven’t done yet.

Maybe you need to make a decision and it feels scary. Maybe you’re disappointed. Maybe you’ve outgrown something. Maybe you’ve been carrying more than you realised and you’ve kept it neatly packaged away for a surprisingly long time.

Then someone asks you the right question, and suddenly it’s all there. And sometimes the body responds before the brain has caught up.

Two Questions To Ask Yourself

So have the cry. Use the tissues. Have the rant. Get the energy out.

Then ask yourself two questions:

What are these tears trying to tell me?
And what am I going to do about it?

Because maybe I don’t make people cry at all. Maybe I just make it difficult for people to keep avoiding something they already know.

And if you’re in that place right now, I want you to know this: you’re allowed to feel it and you’re allowed to choose what happens next.

LINKS:

For a copy of Emma’s book, ‘Go-getter: Raise your mojo, shift your mindset and thrive’ – https://emmamcqueen.com.au/want-more/emmas-book/

YouTube Channel

BD Sprint:

https://emmamcqueen.com.au/coaching-services/bd-sprint

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[00:00:00] EMMA: There's a trait in me that I don't particularly love. I make people cry. mean to. I'm not mean, although sometimes I can be very direct. But over many years of coaching women in business, I've noticed something. There are always quite a lot of tissues involved. I'm sorry. # ProbablyNotSorry. I was reminded of this recently in three separate small group coaching sessions, there were tears, and I found myself thinking afterwards, " Emma, you're still making people cry."
[00:00:28] Except I'm not sure I actually am. I think what I do is get to the heart of an issue
[00:00:34] super quick
[00:00:35] and sometimes when you finally get to the thing that you've been avoiding, there are tears waiting for you there. But tears are just energy wanting to be released. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
[00:00:46] Sometimes the breakdown
[00:00:48] comes before the BREAKTHROUGH I reckon that before a breakthrough, sometimes you need a little breakdown. Don't you reckon? Because a breakthrough often requires you to, like, acknowledge something you've been avoiding, something that isn't working. You are feeling exhausted or you're frightened.
[00:01:08] You know what you need to do, but you haven't done it yet. You need to make a decision and that feels scary, or you're disappointed, or you've outgrown something. You've been carrying more than you realized
[00:01:21] and you keep it all that neatly packaged away for a surprisingly long time until somebody pokes you and asks you the right question, and then it comes out.
[00:01:32] And I don't mind the tears. I honestly do not mind the tears. I don't mind the tissues. I ha- have them in my pockets. I don't mind a rant. I don't mind someone saying, " This is completely terrible, and I'm really about it." Sometimes we need to say those things. Business brings up an extraordinary amount of emotion, money, identity, confidence, rejection, responsibility, fear, ambition, disappointment, exhaustion, and hope.
[00:01:59] We [00:02:00] pretend business is about spreadsheets and strategies. Sure, it is, but it's also about being a human, and humans cry. Tears are energy. Like I said, I think tears are just energy. They can be sadness. They can also be frustration or anger or relief or grief or exhaustion, overwhelm, indecision, and joy. And I have cried plenty of tears myself.
[00:02:22] I'm okay with that. And I nearly always feel better after a good cry. Do you? Sometimes you needly- need to, like, let the energy out. The tears aren't the problem. What matters is what happens next. Don't build a house there. What I don't like is victimhood. There's a difference between allowing yourself to feel something and deciding to live there.
[00:02:46] Cry, rant, be angry, be disappointed, admit that you hate what's happening, but don't build a house there. Eventually, we have to ask some questions. "What am I gonna do about it?" That isn't toxic positivity. I don't want you to hear me incorrectly here. It isn't someone pretending difficult isn't difficult.
[00:03:06] It's agency. It's recognising that even when you can't control everything happening around you, there is usually something you can choose to do next, whether it's have a conversation, whether it's making a decision, putting a boundary in place, making an ask, doing a task, an ending, a beginning, something.
[00:03:26] You just have to feel it, name it, and move on. Perhaps this is what I've learned after all these years of apparently making people cry . It's not really apparently. Feel it. Name it. Let it move through you. Then we decide what we're going to do next, because maybe I don't make people cry at all. Maybe I just make it difficult for people to keep avoiding something they already know.
[00:03:53] And when we finally get underneath the noise and find the real thing, sometimes the body responds
[00:03:59] [00:04:00] before the brain has caught up So have the cry, use the tissues, have the rant, get the energy out, but then ask yourself two questions. What are these tears trying to tell me? And perhaps more importantly, what am I gonna do about it?